god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
