She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
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I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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