grandma shit on top of the toilet
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
