the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
And then my night got REAL pukey
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