I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
