we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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