i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
