I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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