You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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