Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
