Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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