Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
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I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
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My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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