You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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