there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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