bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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