If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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