Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
