i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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