I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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