I wish my penis had an off switch
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
