I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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