I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Randomize
