There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
