$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
