Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
