Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
