Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
