Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
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hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
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And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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