I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
