I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
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Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
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That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
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