You can't special order awesome
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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