is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Are we still banned from the library?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I still have a little drunk in my system
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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