Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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