I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
