I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
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There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
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