He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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