Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
