I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
my shit smells like andre
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
