Duck Duck Cougar?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
