When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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