We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
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im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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