i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
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Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
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Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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