you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
