He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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