I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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