I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
