If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
