I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
this boner is exhausting
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
