If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
