The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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