so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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