omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
