remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
