every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
