he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
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He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
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Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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