just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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